I’ve had some pretty prime examples in life of women who say very plainly, “Fuck It”… As in they decide at some point to stop trying to accomodate…stop trying to please others and live very comfortably for themselves. This has been something that I have actively fought against becoming…because I always saw it as a first class ticket to dying alone. But at the risk of becoming a bitter old spinster…I have to say I’ve observed a few things in life that make me lean towards objetivism rather than emotionalism.
I have been asking myself questions lately like; “How does what this person feels physically affect me?” and “Why am I concerned with the outcome of this situation?” Usually I don’t stop to analyze things like this. I tend to believe that IF something causes me to feel emotion, then it must be important enough to pacify/understand. But I’m coming to the conclusion that if you let that lead your thought, people will eventually swallow you whole.
I can honestly say that the majority of the reason why I have not updated my blog is because I didn’t want to offend anyone. Obviously there are some people I could give two shits if I offend…like D’s girlfriend who displayed her Texan ass in the comment section of my blog and got blasted. But the people I care about…I didn’t want anyone to really be affected negatively. I’ve come to realize that by altering myself…even in small portions…will ultimately affect the people I care the most about.
I’ve begun to notice that so much more of what I do and don’t do is based upon what OTHER people need/think/expect, instead of what makes me feel free. I’ve been standing outside of myself…allowing myself to be what other’s need. Occasionally when I step back into focus I realize how trapped I’ve become and start to feel closed in. From an outside perspective, I’m sure I appear to be nothing short of the poster-child for Multiple Personality Disorder. But from my perspective I’m just a very well-practiced emotional procrastinator.
The moral here is that for New Years…all I want to change is that. Midnight Saturday strikes the beginning of a newness…or really the re-initiation of my old self. I sheepishly felt a tingle of conviction as I heard the Mad Hatter say in a puzzled voice to small Alice, “You used to be much more…”muchier.” You’ve lost your muchness.”