My son turned one month on October 6th and I spent a few minutes (ok almost an hour) looking at photos. Not just the photos of his birth, or even the ones of my pregnancy – but of the last few years. Funny how suddenly huge mistakes I’ve made in the past feel like blessings, since they were part of the path that led me to Orion (the boyfriend before the boyfriend who made me begin to prefer skater guys over investment bankers…etc.).
The first month with my child has been a whirlwind. As prepared as I felt I was, no one can prepare you for the reality of having a newborn in your home. The long nights, the sleeplessness, the back ache, the questions, the constant Googling to make sure his cough, sneeze, poop and temperature are normal. Then there is the joy. The time that gets lost staring at him while he sleeps and the visitors that come and fall in love with this tiny person you made. I wasn’t prepared for the separation anxiety. The first time he was in another room than me I felt panic in the heart and started crying. It was the quickest pee I ever had in my life.
Things are still very new, but I have begun to dance to the chaos instead of cry in the midst of it. Orion is becoming less of a newborn and more of a baby. He looks up at me and smiles with a drunken gaze, his crazy mess of hair framing his little cookie face and his tiny hands gripping my shirt. I wake up to his gentle breathing next to my face and sometimes his accidental (accidental?) swat to the face as he tries to gain control over his little arms. I laugh when he pees on me, cheer when he poops and explain when I have to put him down for a minute (“Mommy really needs to eat or she’ll pass out…”). Daddy calls from work and asks for an update and pictures of his little guy. Already I notice Orion has a different calm when he hears his father’s deep tone, probably recognizing it from when he was in my womb. He says things like “Eh!” and “Blaghgaaah” which I consider to be glimpses of his immense genius so I clap and grab the camera to record the next outburst. But he’s finished and simply stares at the camera blinking his black pool eyes at me. Which is why I have a ton of video footage of Orion simply staring and blinking (he had JUST done something amazing, I promise).
All in all, we are all learning each other all over. Even Mommy and Daddy.